Its The Word

I was officially diagnosed with depression just before the end of the school year. Woohoo... pills now to make me feel human, right? Well in a way they work. But at least once a day that little voice in the back of my head comes out and tells me I'm a waste and that I'm still not good enough and probably never will be.

All these pills have done is make me think it matters. I mean... does it matter if someone says I'm not good enough? No. I've never believed that and never will. But it matters now that I help someone, it matters now that I make that difference, it matters now that I actually live. I'm in highschool now, a different one from where everyone else went from my old school. That was the cowardice in me again. I hate them all. Hate, people say, is a strong word, but I know the intensity of it now. But here at this place, where I've only been for a short while, I actually have people to live for. I have a reason to open my eyes in the morning and move.

But in the end, no one is really there. Its kind of like talking to people in dreams where theres that hazy bit around it and you know its not completely real.

I keep getting that worthless grin from the guys. That little whisper as they grab my ass and say, "You're hot." I'm not hot. I look easy. I have "disposable" tatooed across my forehead. I give off that "get in get out" feeling. I'm not wanted even though someone says he wants me. I'm not loved not matter how many times he says he loves me. I have become the object I always dreaded. I never wanted to be an object. I hate belonging to someone. I hate being something thats controlled. Being in school is bad enough for that. But outside of it all, in life, I want to be mine, I want to be free. But no matter how hard I fight to keep that little bit of freedom I have left, it is slowly getting torn away from me. And I'm losing grip because I'm too big of a coward to do anything about it.

I'm not afraid of getting hurt anymore. After getting thrown into it so many times you honestly just don't care. You jump head first into something because you want that rush, and fuck what happens to you afterward.

The part that bothers me, is that someone else would do that to me and not feel guilty. Its disgusting. Its absolutely revolting. It reeks like some corpse fresh off the rotting field of waste. I want to know how someone can sit there and say to your face, "I Love You" and not mean it. People shouldn't even utter those words without completely meaning them.

The other part, the one that stings, is when you tell someone who thinks they're unloved that you love them. And you mean it. You mean it so much your chest aches with it. And they don't believe you. Lies are killers. Lies are the reason I'll probably become a killer someday. I won't lie. I don't lie. Why does someone think I lie when I tell them I love them?