I Just Want to Feel Good Again

I just want to feel good again. There has to be some way. I'm so tired tired tired of trying to pick myself up off the ground. Some days I think I can do it, lift the load onto my shoulders and stand. But most days it's a crushing weight, pushing me through the floor. I still feel alone. I know that I don't have to be, that I'm not in actuality, but it's still there. Feels like this room has become the only safe place besides his arms. Hell, even the hallway outside this door is a war zone, an open field of vulnerability and hurt.

I just want to feel good again.

What am I going to do? I don't know what I'm going to do. Everything falls apart at the end. The only thing I have that's guaranteed to last is him, and I don't feel good enough. I don't feel strong enough. What if I disappoint him? I'm going to drag him down with me. I can feel it. She confirmed it today. Told me she didn't want to see me have to work that hard in life just to support myself. I will always have him, but deep down I know she's right. I'm not going to be able to support him as well as myself. What am I going to do?

I can't even hold up my corner of life now, everyone else is holding up the rest of it for me. What am I going to do when they have to drop it? When I Have to carry it by myself?

They just... can't and don't understand that I am... I'm not able to do this yet. I'm not able to pull myself up and face the day. I don't know why. I want to feel good. I want to feel motivated. I want to live for them, for other people. I don't want to be so self-absorbed. But I am not at the point yet where I can stop. I don't know where that point is either. I keep hoping that one day I'll wake up and everything will be good. Just like that. But really, I know that's not going to happen.

I just want to feel good again.

I want to be able to smile and mean it. I want to want to go out into the sunshine. I want to want to go outside. I want to be able to see the beauty in everything. I want to be the reason someone else smiles and laughs. I want to do so much. I want to want. I need to want. I need to move. They need me to move. Especially her. She wants me to live. I just keep pushing her further back into the cave every time she reaches out to me.

God. I hate sounds. Everyday sounds. I hate beeps, buzzes, car roars, her voice, the fucking television. I hate sounds. Sometimes I wish I was deaf to everything but music.

They just ignore ignore ignore ignore ignore the problem. I am the problem.

Do they know somethings wrong? They have to know. They just don't know the extent of it. They don't know that everyday I think about oblivion. I JUST WANT TO FEEL GOOD AGAIN.

I just want to feel good again.