I'm Falling Apart

I feel like an old rag dolls whose starting to wear thin. My seams are ripping. I'm smudged. I'm missing buttons and pieces. I don't feel hope anymore. I'm tired of smiling for everyone. I'm tired of holding myself up. I just... I want to sleep and not wake up. Everybody seems to have life figured out and I can't... I can't even move. I can't wrap my mind around what it is I've got to do.

I'm starting to fade. I have love. It's what I always wanted. And I would never give it up for anything. But... it's hard when we can't always be together, when he's getting on with his life and I can't move forward. I'm so tired of being stuck in this fucking limbo.

He had such a great day. He finally got that experience that I knew he would and I knew he would love it. He's so ridiculously happy right now. I don't want to ruin it for him. I want to talk about this though, because he's the only one that makes it go away. He takes the pain and makes it disappear. He keeps the calm. I am who I want to be when I'm with him.

So why aren't I with him now?

I don't feel like living anymore. I'm so tired. I'm so selfish. I don't care. I'm tired. I'm falling apart. Pieces of me are falling off. I can't hold up the weight I'm meant to anymore. I am truly weak. Part of me is dead inside and I don't know how to wake it up. I need to wake it up. I need to wake up. I need to feel alive again.

How do you get back up again? There has to be a way. There needs to be. This can't be it. FUCK. I HATE MYSELF.

If I met me, I would fucking kill me.
Just put me out of my damn misery.

I am miserable. I am pathetic. I just want to die sometimes. That scares me and doesn't at the same time. It scares me because I know it's supposed to, but...... it just...... I'm tired of life. I'm tired of starting out thinking today's a new day just to have it be the same and ruined by someone. I'm tired of thinking I'm almost done and then seeing there are still a million switchbacks to go.

This can't be it. I don't want to be a broken human being wandering around waiting for the end. I don't want to keep slipping back down into the pit. I just want to get happy and stay happy. Please. Please PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE. I'm fucking begging you. Let this die. Let this die. Let this die. Please just let this die.