There's a Monster Inside

There's a monster inside that will not die.
I cannot hide from it, cannot run from it, cannot kill it.
Can only let it swallow me whole.
Can only let it chew on my heart strings.
Can only let it feed on my happiness.
Can only let it suck out the life within me.
And for what purpose?
No matter how much it drinks it will never be alive like I was.

There's a monster inside that will not die.
A parasite that's growing, stretching it's talons out inside.
It fills my body, trying on my limbs for size.
It speaks through my mouth, trying out it's new voice.
It watches with my eyes, using it's new vision.
It uses my veins, pumping them with ink.
And for what purpose?
No matter how completely it takes over my body, it will never be alive like I was.

I'm Falling Apart

I feel like an old rag dolls whose starting to wear thin. My seams are ripping. I'm smudged. I'm missing buttons and pieces. I don't feel hope anymore. I'm tired of smiling for everyone. I'm tired of holding myself up. I just... I want to sleep and not wake up. Everybody seems to have life figured out and I can't... I can't even move. I can't wrap my mind around what it is I've got to do.

I'm starting to fade. I have love. It's what I always wanted. And I would never give it up for anything. But... it's hard when we can't always be together, when he's getting on with his life and I can't move forward. I'm so tired of being stuck in this fucking limbo.

He had such a great day. He finally got that experience that I knew he would and I knew he would love it. He's so ridiculously happy right now. I don't want to ruin it for him. I want to talk about this though, because he's the only one that makes it go away. He takes the pain and makes it disappear. He keeps the calm. I am who I want to be when I'm with him.

So why aren't I with him now?

I don't feel like living anymore. I'm so tired. I'm so selfish. I don't care. I'm tired. I'm falling apart. Pieces of me are falling off. I can't hold up the weight I'm meant to anymore. I am truly weak. Part of me is dead inside and I don't know how to wake it up. I need to wake it up. I need to wake up. I need to feel alive again.

How do you get back up again? There has to be a way. There needs to be. This can't be it. FUCK. I HATE MYSELF.

If I met me, I would fucking kill me.
Just put me out of my damn misery.

I am miserable. I am pathetic. I just want to die sometimes. That scares me and doesn't at the same time. It scares me because I know it's supposed to, but...... it just...... I'm tired of life. I'm tired of starting out thinking today's a new day just to have it be the same and ruined by someone. I'm tired of thinking I'm almost done and then seeing there are still a million switchbacks to go.

This can't be it. I don't want to be a broken human being wandering around waiting for the end. I don't want to keep slipping back down into the pit. I just want to get happy and stay happy. Please. Please PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE. I'm fucking begging you. Let this die. Let this die. Let this die. Please just let this die.

I Just Want to Feel Good Again

I just want to feel good again. There has to be some way. I'm so tired tired tired of trying to pick myself up off the ground. Some days I think I can do it, lift the load onto my shoulders and stand. But most days it's a crushing weight, pushing me through the floor. I still feel alone. I know that I don't have to be, that I'm not in actuality, but it's still there. Feels like this room has become the only safe place besides his arms. Hell, even the hallway outside this door is a war zone, an open field of vulnerability and hurt.

I just want to feel good again.

What am I going to do? I don't know what I'm going to do. Everything falls apart at the end. The only thing I have that's guaranteed to last is him, and I don't feel good enough. I don't feel strong enough. What if I disappoint him? I'm going to drag him down with me. I can feel it. She confirmed it today. Told me she didn't want to see me have to work that hard in life just to support myself. I will always have him, but deep down I know she's right. I'm not going to be able to support him as well as myself. What am I going to do?

I can't even hold up my corner of life now, everyone else is holding up the rest of it for me. What am I going to do when they have to drop it? When I Have to carry it by myself?

They just... can't and don't understand that I am... I'm not able to do this yet. I'm not able to pull myself up and face the day. I don't know why. I want to feel good. I want to feel motivated. I want to live for them, for other people. I don't want to be so self-absorbed. But I am not at the point yet where I can stop. I don't know where that point is either. I keep hoping that one day I'll wake up and everything will be good. Just like that. But really, I know that's not going to happen.

I just want to feel good again.

I want to be able to smile and mean it. I want to want to go out into the sunshine. I want to want to go outside. I want to be able to see the beauty in everything. I want to be the reason someone else smiles and laughs. I want to do so much. I want to want. I need to want. I need to move. They need me to move. Especially her. She wants me to live. I just keep pushing her further back into the cave every time she reaches out to me.

God. I hate sounds. Everyday sounds. I hate beeps, buzzes, car roars, her voice, the fucking television. I hate sounds. Sometimes I wish I was deaf to everything but music.

They just ignore ignore ignore ignore ignore the problem. I am the problem.

Do they know somethings wrong? They have to know. They just don't know the extent of it. They don't know that everyday I think about oblivion. I JUST WANT TO FEEL GOOD AGAIN.

I just want to feel good again.

Give Up - Because it's the Selfish Thing to Do

I finally ran. I ran away from that broken down car, and he followed for awhile, but eventually he stopped. They all do in the end. He tried so fucking hard. I was selfish. A fucking coward. If I could take back the hurt it caused, I'd do it in a heart beat. But I still don't regret doing it. Because I found The One when I was running. He was running too. Now we're walking back together, hand in hand, heart in heart.

He has become the one thing that I give a damn about. We're going slowly, but we're walking back into life with each other. The need to depend on him doesn't scare me. We'll run into the popped tire, the willing puppy, along the way I'm sure. But he's grown too. A dog now, cold to the one who abused him. The one who abandoned him. As he should be.

Everything seems to move too fast and too slow simultaneously. I can't stay caught up with the rest of humanity, but I can't get the fuck out of this limbo I'm stuck in. I keep thinking that once it's all over everything will be perfect. But then I realize that that's not true. It isn't going to be some magical instance where suddenly everything's turned around and the world has a purpose. It's only going to get worse. I'm going to finally finish everything, get to that point that's so far away now, that seems to signal the end of this bull shit, and the disappointment of realizing its not over is going to make it completely unbearable.

I still get suicidal. I still have the urge to swing from the balcony by my neck. But now I have something that holds me back. I will never kill myself because of him. He needs me. I love him. I want to live for him. When I'm with him I don't feel so utterly, completely fucking alone. I feel whole. There is nothing missing with him.

But he's not here. He can't always be and I understand that. Right now I want to go smash my head with a fucking hammer until I fucking die. I won't. I can't. I don't really want to die but I have this irrational idea in my head that I'll be able to come back from it, won't die completely. Just a brief relief from life.

Fuck. I am so God damn selfish. Even now, he knows somethings wrong and is doing everything he can to make me feel better. Why is it always about me? Me me me! I get fucking sick of my hypocritical self. I got my wish. I'm loved, I'm wanted. I have someone else. But I still feel lonely sometimes.

My head fucking hurts. I just want to wake the fuck up for awhile. I'm always awake when he's here. Always feel alive when he's with me. Why can't I be like that all the time? Why does the fucking shit just keep cramming itself back into my head? I think I get rid of it for awhile, think I've finally got it down to a manageable size and then it just fucking explodes like this. For no reason either. Why the fuck aren't their drugs and their "tactics" working? How come nothing works except him? I'm a weak, fucking worm.

God damn it! I'm still focused on me! Always me! I fucking HATE me. How can people stand being around me? OH MY FUCKING GOD SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT YOU YOU YOU YOU STUPID FUCKING CUNT!!

I miss him. I miss a lot of things. I miss having friends. I don't really have them anymore. But that's my own fault. I purposely disassociated myself from everyone because I didn't want to deal with the drama. I still don't. Even now, their petty problems, their short vision of the future, their shitty grasp on reality, makes me want to fucking scream. Fuck it. What would that do? I just want to go to sleep so I don't have to listen to them. Why do people just refuse to grow the fuck up at one point? Are they afraid that if they issue forth even an ounce of understanding they're going to be made more responsible? What is it? Why don't they have a grasp on reality?

You're probably telling me to go look in the mirror. Yeah. I know. Everything applies to me too. I never said it didn't. I'm a fucking horrible person and I know it. The difference between them and me though, is that I can admit it.

I wish I could melt into him. I don't want to hold myself up anymore. I don't want to have a spine that I have to support. I don't want to think. I don't want to move. I don't want to do anything except fall into him. Disappear into him completely. Always be with him. I don't want to be here anymore.

God I want this to go away. I wonder what I'd be like without it sometimes but it has to be better than this fucking disease, rotting me away completely, everyday just growing inside of me like the parasite that it is. It's a black puddle of acid and gray cloud of smoke, reaching their limbs through every orifice and poisoning it. I just want it to go away. Please God, please just fucking take this away. I am not strong enough to deal with it anymore. I'm just not that strong.

He is though. He was like me but he got better. He knows. He's perfect.