Give Up - Because it's the Selfish Thing to Do

I finally ran. I ran away from that broken down car, and he followed for awhile, but eventually he stopped. They all do in the end. He tried so fucking hard. I was selfish. A fucking coward. If I could take back the hurt it caused, I'd do it in a heart beat. But I still don't regret doing it. Because I found The One when I was running. He was running too. Now we're walking back together, hand in hand, heart in heart.

He has become the one thing that I give a damn about. We're going slowly, but we're walking back into life with each other. The need to depend on him doesn't scare me. We'll run into the popped tire, the willing puppy, along the way I'm sure. But he's grown too. A dog now, cold to the one who abused him. The one who abandoned him. As he should be.

Everything seems to move too fast and too slow simultaneously. I can't stay caught up with the rest of humanity, but I can't get the fuck out of this limbo I'm stuck in. I keep thinking that once it's all over everything will be perfect. But then I realize that that's not true. It isn't going to be some magical instance where suddenly everything's turned around and the world has a purpose. It's only going to get worse. I'm going to finally finish everything, get to that point that's so far away now, that seems to signal the end of this bull shit, and the disappointment of realizing its not over is going to make it completely unbearable.

I still get suicidal. I still have the urge to swing from the balcony by my neck. But now I have something that holds me back. I will never kill myself because of him. He needs me. I love him. I want to live for him. When I'm with him I don't feel so utterly, completely fucking alone. I feel whole. There is nothing missing with him.

But he's not here. He can't always be and I understand that. Right now I want to go smash my head with a fucking hammer until I fucking die. I won't. I can't. I don't really want to die but I have this irrational idea in my head that I'll be able to come back from it, won't die completely. Just a brief relief from life.

Fuck. I am so God damn selfish. Even now, he knows somethings wrong and is doing everything he can to make me feel better. Why is it always about me? Me me me! I get fucking sick of my hypocritical self. I got my wish. I'm loved, I'm wanted. I have someone else. But I still feel lonely sometimes.

My head fucking hurts. I just want to wake the fuck up for awhile. I'm always awake when he's here. Always feel alive when he's with me. Why can't I be like that all the time? Why does the fucking shit just keep cramming itself back into my head? I think I get rid of it for awhile, think I've finally got it down to a manageable size and then it just fucking explodes like this. For no reason either. Why the fuck aren't their drugs and their "tactics" working? How come nothing works except him? I'm a weak, fucking worm.

God damn it! I'm still focused on me! Always me! I fucking HATE me. How can people stand being around me? OH MY FUCKING GOD SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT YOU YOU YOU YOU STUPID FUCKING CUNT!!

I miss him. I miss a lot of things. I miss having friends. I don't really have them anymore. But that's my own fault. I purposely disassociated myself from everyone because I didn't want to deal with the drama. I still don't. Even now, their petty problems, their short vision of the future, their shitty grasp on reality, makes me want to fucking scream. Fuck it. What would that do? I just want to go to sleep so I don't have to listen to them. Why do people just refuse to grow the fuck up at one point? Are they afraid that if they issue forth even an ounce of understanding they're going to be made more responsible? What is it? Why don't they have a grasp on reality?

You're probably telling me to go look in the mirror. Yeah. I know. Everything applies to me too. I never said it didn't. I'm a fucking horrible person and I know it. The difference between them and me though, is that I can admit it.

I wish I could melt into him. I don't want to hold myself up anymore. I don't want to have a spine that I have to support. I don't want to think. I don't want to move. I don't want to do anything except fall into him. Disappear into him completely. Always be with him. I don't want to be here anymore.

God I want this to go away. I wonder what I'd be like without it sometimes but it has to be better than this fucking disease, rotting me away completely, everyday just growing inside of me like the parasite that it is. It's a black puddle of acid and gray cloud of smoke, reaching their limbs through every orifice and poisoning it. I just want it to go away. Please God, please just fucking take this away. I am not strong enough to deal with it anymore. I'm just not that strong.

He is though. He was like me but he got better. He knows. He's perfect.