Hate Me As Much As I Hate Myself

I hate myself for what I've done, for what I'm doing, for what I've thought about doing, and for what I will do. I can't believe how stupid I was, how I was sucked into that illusion I've always fought, the illusion that someone really loves you. I know he still does, and I can't believe he's taken me back after what I've done, but now what do I owe to the other?

Do I owe anything to him when he tried to control me, to destroy my beliefs, to force me into his world that I've always hated from a distance. It was nice in the beginning, but even then, I had that inkling, that voice in the back of my head whispering the truthes I didn't really want to admit. But I can't be myself around him, I can't love him the way I love my love, the love I fought so hard for, the love I would do anything for. This week has been the worst week of my life, it has by far been hell, I can't believe how much I actually need him, how I couldn't see that before. I love him. I am completely in love with him.

But I put him through pain no one should ever expierience. I pulled the typical Amelia, hurting everyone around me, thinking about no one but my cowardly self. How could I ever hope he would love me back, want me back again, after what I did? How could I ever hope he would forgive me? I didn't deserve it, I don't deserve it, I will never be able to make up for what I did, no matter how much I pray for forgiveness. I knew what I was doing, I was willing to accept the consequences.

And then he did something, something I never believed possible, something I couldn't believe I would accept so guiltlessly. He did forgive me. He told me he wanted me back. He missed me, just as much as I missed him. I love him. But now when I look in his eyes, I know I'm going to see that echo of mistrust, that hint of something so beautiful now broken. The guilt I feel now, the sickness in my stomach, will never leave, and that is my punishment. To know, I do not deserve him. To know that if he were smart he'd leave me in the dust and run away to someone much more deserving of him.

Can I actually accept the fact that I use people to my advantage so easily? That I don't conciously think of what it will do to them until after it's too late? It appears so. I've become what I despise, what I want to wipe out, what I wish didn't exist, what makes me sick. I've become a selfish user, thinking of no one else. I wish he would hate me as much as I hate myself, it would make it so much easier.