I keep trying to decide on a way to open this, but I'm not much of a writer and my social skills died a long time ago. I'm going to refer to myself as Amelia. I'm fifteen years old and in grade nine.
My family is the definition of disfunctional. Let me describe my sister first, because she is a... world in her own. My sister has always been an overachiever. She excelles at whatever she tries (accept for most athletics and personal morals). She was the valid dictorian (sorry, I can't spell, haha) for her grade nine year, and had the highest marks in all her grades her entire life. She went to highschool in the I.B. program (a program designed for students like her which gives more "challenging" work. It's kind of like the Honors Program or the I.P.P. program) and she has never recieved a mark below 86%.
By far, my sister was one of my best friends when we were younger. And even growing up, I eventually shared almost everything with her about myself. But in the past few years she's been in high school (she's graduating this year) she has changed. I mean, she was always... mean... but now she's almost heartless. No one in this world matters but her. And my parents couldn't agree more.
Even though they say they don't, I know my parents hate me. My mother told me multiple times that she loves my sister more then me and even today, her and my dad told me I was the "Problem".
Before I continue, I just want it to be known that I'm not looking for sympathy of any kind. That's not why I came on here and it's certainly not why I'm writing this.
I am the exact opposite of my sister, and my parents hate it. I used to be like her, always getting good grades, working my ass off in school. But they type of person it made me was the type of person I hated being. In grade eight I finally decided to live as I wanted to live, and be the person I really was! I was tired of examining myself and hating what I saw.
But myself isn't what my family wants. My grades aren't amazing, they're average or sometimes below. I've been told constantly to be more like my sister. But when I watch her throw a tantrum (she's eighteen by the way which makes me even more disgusted) or scream her bloody lungs out about school because she "can't do it" or she's imperfect in some sort of way, I can't help but feel ashamed I'm even related to her. Or to my parents who simply stand back and tell her it's okay. What happens when she gets upset about something when she's off at college next year, living with a roommate? Is she going to do this in front of them?
I gave up on trying to please my family a long time ago. I'm coasting through school and I know it. Honestly, I am ashamed of myself for not trying harder. But I can't get motivated at all. It's not laziness as some people refer to it, but I can't find a point to anything I do in that place. I've lost faith in all the people there who call themselves "catholics" and the teachers who say they care. In the end I think we all learn that nobody really does care about someone who is just... there. That's what I am. I hold no significance for anyone. I can honestly say that if I were to die tomorrow, there would be only two people who might be upset by it and be sincere.
There's no such thing as self worth or the worth of others in this world. We call what the people in Africa, Iraq, Afghanistan, etc. are doing "great things". They're our heroes and we honor them for it. People helping starving civilizations, trying to bring peace, trying to help. But what these people are doing, I don't refer to as great. What they're doing, is being human. They know there's a need for our help with fellow mankind and they dedicated their lives to helping others!
Those of us who sit here doing nothing, simply saying, "Oh, thats horrible" or "Those poor people" are the cold ones. We pretend. We may be sincere about our feelings towards what's happening, but if we honestly wanted to help, we could! What's stopping people from dropping every day life to help our worldly family in their time of need?
Fear. Fear that our own lives might go down the crapper, simply because that is who we are. Self absorbed. We worry about what we wear, who we're talking to and about what, where we go, what we look like. Those people in need worry about whether they'll ever see their family again, whether their child will ever be healthy again, whether they'll be able to find food for that day, whether they will survive to see another day.
And I am the biggest hypocrite of all. Look at me! I'm sitting here typing about this on a computer, when a child somewhere that I easily could've helped dies. I constantly feel like I am wasting my life. And not just because I'm not there helping those who desperately need me, but for selfish reasons as well.
I am always afraid of being alone, and currently I am. But I have come to learn that I am alone in this world. I cannot find that "warm" feeling with someone because I'm too much of a bitch. Anything good in my life I end up overanalyzing and ruining. And no one shares my opinions in anything. My advice I give goes to waste, because people don't trust me.
I tried to kill myself once, but I was too afraid. I didn't want to lose my life. Taking my own life away was unfair to those who would need me one day. I'm a coward, it seems as well. I used to pride myself on being brave. But now, I know I'm nothing but a coward. I can't even run away from home to help someone in need of what I have to offer. I'm not needed here and yet here I stay, stuck where everything I possess morally is wasted.
But according to my family and others, thats what I am right? I'm a waste. And I know it.
-Amelia
No comments:
Post a Comment